Diabetic Drain

I’m perpetually exhausted. Yes, I have a toddler who’s not the best sleeper, but on the weeks he does sleep, I have T1 Diabetes. T1 Diabetes is like having a newborn. You just don’t matter anymore, staying alive does. KEEP YOURSELF ALIVE.

I function a little more on autopilot these days and feel comfortable running my sugars a bit higher than before (because who has time to deal with a severe low with a toddler running around) but then THAT exhausts me too. My dexcom alarms wake me every 30 minutes at night, until I can get a handle on that and get back into range. Right about the time I can get back to sleep the cutest child wakes to eat… STILL.

As a mother, I knew exhaustion came with the territory. But I WANTED to be a mom. Diabetes found me. Life, work, bosses, kids, society doesn’t stop or make many time outs for an invisible disease.


We SURVIVED…. the first year.


I swear there needs to be an awards ceremony for surviving the first year of parenting. A special VIP one for parents who have NOT had a normal experience.

Let me start by saying, we are BLESSED! We have a very happy, thriving, healthy, large baby boy who is teaching me more than I ever thought possible about what common household items are dangerous and life threatening. But when I tell you that we have not had a normal first year… I’m NOT lying.

Our son was born and it was AWESOME… for about 24 hours. Then the crying started. Not normal crying, constant shrieking, for hours on end. Painful cries. He would eventually pass out for 30-45 minutes, then be back up screaming. I went to the pediatrician, a lot. Then around 2-3 weeks he started spitting up. Not normal baby spit up, but half of his bottle spit up, every time. The doctor sent us to the ER for an ultrasound to rule out an obstruction (there was none) so he was diagnosed with reflux. Okay. Zantac for that. Elevating every feed, after every feed. very thorough burping, small feeds more frequently. Handled.

Except the screaming didn’t stop. I cried along with him constantly. We, as new parents, were miserable. We loved him, but couldn’t bond. We couldn’t soothe him or make him happy. The crying NEVER stopped, there was NO sleep. We called in reinforcements… My mom, my sister in laws, friends. I called anyone that i felt wouldn’t judge me for being a failure at this mom thing. The pediatricians kept making me feel like a paranoid first time mom. My sister in law realized he wasn’t getting enough to eat (I was trying to breastfeed) so I started supplementing with formula. It seemed to help, maybe a tiny bit, until it didn’t. He had explosive diapers, eczema and congestion. Finally after I was put on Zoloft for my PPD, things cleared a bit and i started searching for answers. God help me, I was going to help my baby.

I saw a GI specialist and within 10 minutes she diagnosed him with severe food intolerance’s and he was reacting to my breast milk and the formula. He had something called MSPI (Milk Soy Protein Intolerance). He cannot digest the milk proteins. So we switched to a completely hypoallergenic, elemental formula called Neocate. Within 24 hours we started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He was a different baby. He slept for 3 hours straight. He as 9 weeks old. FINALLY we thought we were getting somewhere. Over 6 weeks the new formula transformed our son into a different child.

Rocking him to sleep one night at 13 weeks, I looked down and it hit me in the face, took my breath away and I sobbed. I was staring down at the most beautiful creature to ever exist. I felt love so raw, pure and beautifully painful. I would kill someone over this child. Bonding is the most precious gift God has ever given me.

As the year progressed we dealt with RSV at 4 months, which required a hospital stay for 5 days. I went back to work when he was 6 months old and luckily found amazing daycare that made the transition a lot easier. He thrived being around two other boys and hit milestones fast and furious. He grew like a weed and now at 1 year he is already in 24 month clothing.

As we introduced solid food, we discovered he actually has a very rare form of food allergies called FPIES (Food Protein Induced Entercolitis Syndrome). He reacts to multiple food proteins. The reactions are all GI symptoms (vomiting,. diarrhea, stomach discomfort). Luckily, as rare and scary this condition is, HE WILL OUTGROW IT.

SO… where is my tophy? (okay, here he is!)

Well…its been a while. +1

Its been a LONG time since i posted. For good reason. WE HAD A BABY!!!!

our first kiss

Its a long story – so here is a cliff notes version:

We got pregnant Sept 2012, lost that baby at 9 weeks (on Oct 30 2012 remember this date!). We kept trying. It was MISERABLE (if you’ve been through an infertility struggle – you get this, MISERABLE). So then we were told to see a fertility specialist after another year of trying. We did 4 rounds of IUI with fertility drugs. (This was an option for us because we had gotten preg naturally and we both checked out healthy/no issues). We got pregnant the 3rd round but lost it right away. So, after one more round we decided it was time to take a break. Give up. Relax. Focus on some other things…. Like just enjoying our marriage for once!

BAM… pregnant a month later, after giving up and drinking lots of wine. OOPS. This time we didn’t tell anyone until we had seen a heartbeat a few times. Then we just told immediate family. At 20 weeks… my hubby broke the news on Facebook and it was finally OFFICIAL!

Baby parents

My due date was Nov 4, 2014. Being a Type 1 Diabetic, the goal was to hit 39 weeks. I had a rather smooth pregnancy – with just a few bumps toward the end. Nothing major or concerning. I was HUGE. Baby was HUGE. Dr scheduled a C-section for 39weeks 1day. I had my beautiful baby boy Ryan Paul on OCT 30 2014! Funny how life works. I had a surgery to say goodbye to one baby and two years later had another to say hello.

38 w 3d belly  final walk to mommyhood

Most life changing moment to date was hearing him SCREAM when he arrived. He was LOUD. He was also big. 9lbs 3oz.

Suffering 2 miscarriages and struggling to get pregnant, I now get it. When I held lil Ryan in my arms I knew. God was trying to get me THERE. To THAT moment. Lil Ry was meant to by my first baby. He was meant to rip my heart wide open in ways I never imagined. It was never meant to be anybody else, but Lil Ryan… I just had to wait for him…

me and ry wedding

Don’t lose hope ladies! Miracles happen.

Stuck In The Waiting…

Lately I’ve been stagnant. Life has been stagnant.

I’ve finally figured out why….. Because Diabetes controls my life. I’m a damn good diabetic. My a1c has been 5.4 for over 6 months, but has been in the 5’s for an entire year. I do Type 1 Diabetes really well. But that’s about all I do we’ll it seems.

Work life is getting more stressful because I’m falling behind. My house is dirtier than I’d like. My projects are piling up. The treadmill is just an acquaintance at this point. My teeth are killing me from clenching my jaw. Etc, etc, etc… All because Diabetes is ruling my life.

I’ve only been diagnosed for a little over a year…. So I accept that I had to spend a solid year getting used to this disease … But I need some balance back. I need to get shit done. I need to start focusing on LIFE and diabetes needs to come second. But how? How do I do life and keep my a1c low? (I’m trying to get pregnant again…. So it has to remain in the low 5’s)

This is a problem most people can relate to…. We all have struggles… So how does one compartmentalize and do life UNTIL their problem rears its ugly head? Instead of living in constant “waiting for the other shoe to drop” mode????

I’m a Robot.

I manage my diabetes with lots of help, from Drs, online communities, a pump, a CGM and very useful OCD. Unfortunately a Type 1 Diabetes diagnosis comes along with LOTS of anxiety. The only thing that has helped me from pulling out all of my hair…. Was becoming a robot.

Very early on in my Diabetic Life… I got “hooked up”! I started on a DEXCOM continuous glucose monitor 2 months post diagnosis. I chose Dexcom because my research led me to believe it was much more accurate than others on the market. So here’s my review: LOVE IT!!!!!!!
On left is my “old” Dexcom 7+ receiver… On right my new Dexcom G4 receiver.
What I love about this little device: mainly it has taken away a TON of my anxiety… Especially at night. I used to be so afraid to sleep… The alarms on the receiver gave me peace of mind. Overall Dexcom is very accurate (you never go by the number… But by arrow). Insertion (although initially was terrifying) does not hurt, very slight prick. You’re only supposed to use it for 7 days and then change sensor … But I often get 2+ weeks out of mine (THIS IS NOT MEDICAL ADVICE… You’re not supposed to do this).
On the new G4 system I’ve found that the accuracy is better and faster (it takes about 6 hours now for start up sensor to become accurate… Used to take almost a full day). I love the color screen and the shape of the receiver, more pocket friendly. And the software suite has been upgraded to be a little more “techie” friendly. Either way…. These graphs are fascinating to me:
Dexcom Graph
They are very easy to read/understand and help me navigate through changes. I use these graphs to make basal rate changes, etc.

And then….. There’s my PUMP!! I chose an “ANIMAS One Touch Ping”.
The main reasons I went with this pump over others:
1. It’s waterproof (this is helpful in the summer)
2. You can bolus remotely from my meter. Which is great because I’m in sales and while in meetings I can keep my pump hidden and do everything from my meter… So people think it’s a phone… It’s less distracting)
3. Their brochure was SOOOOO MUCH EASIER TO READ!!!!

98% of the time I love this damn little gadget! The other 2% is when I am changing clothes and its in the way! Or when it’s late at night and I’m almost out of insulin and I have to change it… And I’m LAZY!!!!!

But the 98% of the time I love it because:
I’m only on 1 type of insulin now. I can just go to bed when I want… Not wait to take my Levemir or get back out of bed to give myself a shot. I have a lot less hypos now. Exercise is easier because I can unhook an hour or two before to get the active insulin out of my system. The sites are super easy and don’t hurt!!! Their customer service is great! I can set up to 12 basal rates… And lots of other settings that make life easier.
I definitely use these two gadgets together. my Dexcom shows me trends and then i can make changes to my pump settings to reduce highs or lows. And together my A1c has continually declined, currently 5.4!

Now… I cannot compare these devices to others, as these are my first ones… But man have they made life easier!! But I’m so happy with both that I’d LOVE to work for either company!!!! That would be my dream job!!!

A1c’s, holidays, vacations and new beginnings…

So… I’ve been quite busy and completely neglected my blog. Can I blame diabetes???? Lol

First, let me just say that my current A1c is 5.4!!! Granted, partly because I was pregnant for 2 of those months and had ridiculously great control over my blood sugars (kept them 60-90 fasting and under 120 most of the time) but… Either way ill take it! Again… That’s a 5.4 a1c, in case you missed it. 🙂

Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went… I did pretty well controlling sugars this time. I found the secret… If you’re in the kitchen cooking all day, the food isn’t as appetizing once you sit to eat, therefore it just makes me look like an amazing diabetic! Now I just need to lose the 10 pounds that have been creeping up from the 2 months of pies, cookies, chocolate (damn Trader Joes salted Caramels!!!) and every other red velvet anything that was put in front of me!

I am currently on my first “diabetic vacation” … Aka real vacation after diagnosis. There is an entire bag dedicated to D-crap. How annoying is that??? I refuse to never travel… Now I just have even more baggage. I’m making tee shirts “diabetics have lots of baggage”

Yesterday was my 1 year wedding anniversary. We’re both sitting here saying “seriously. It’s already a year?” And thinking “wow, we’re more successful than Kim Kardashian” well, kinda.
Either way… It’s a new year of marriage – and we went through A LOT last year – diagnosis, 14 million doctor appointments, a miscarriage, 3 surgeries between us, a break in attempt and a move back to my hometown. If we made it thru that in our first year… I’m pretty sure were a fantastic team and that 2013 can only go up from there!

So… For this new year I pray that you all have a happy, successful, memory filled year focusing on the brighter side… Because there is always a brighter side!!!

My goals: lose 10 pounds or HAVE a baby (whichever comes first, I’m hoping baby!), be more attentive to my blog, travel a bit more, laugh a LOT more, worry less… And kick diabetes ass all over again!

Diaversary …

For the non-diabetic community, that’s the term for “diabetes anniversary” the day we were bonded with insulin for the rest of our lives. I guess it’s better than saying “sentencing day.”

Well Tomorrow, December 2, 2012 is my ONE YEAR DIAVERSARY! Or… When I’m being extra dramatic it’s “one full year I’ve kept myself alive, I’ve fought my pancreas and stuck myself with needles repeatedly every day for a FULL YEAR day!”

Tonight at dinner I got a bit teared up thinking about it. Probably because I can remember what I was wearing the day I met my new BFF, Diabetes. I remember how my hair was. (I also remember how skinny I was….sigh) and then my husband said “don’t be sad, don’t cry, it’s a good thing.”

Immediately I knew he was right. He was right because Diabetes has changed me, my life, my actions and my future. One year ago I thought I was going to die and instead I’ve re-learned how to live. I genuinely love life more. I feel things deeper. I laugh more. (I cry more too). I know who my friends are and aren’t. And most importantly I’ve learned what I’m made of… And it just so happens that includes a few new medical devices and a 24 hour Insulin drip.

Life is good. My life is very good!
(And… I’m still alive… So TAKE THAT stupid pancreas)